WI Wednesday & Falling out of Love (with Running)

First off, the good news. Despite not having the most stellar of weeks, I am down 4.3 pounds this week. (Recall that I gained 6.6 pounds last week, so this big loss is not surprising or something to be alarmed about.)

progressreport0708-0714

Most of the days were good in terms of getting in those good health guidelines. Look at all those smiles. I made a conscious effort to get in the good health guidelines as often as possible. I also ate a lot of food. But I tracked and believe me, it’s much better than it’s been for most of the past 4-5 months.

Saturday started with my homemade pancakes and real maple syrup and ended with a cookout. I chose not to track the day and I’m OK with that. I’d rather have a nice day with family than freak over tracking every little detail.

My plan for this week is to keep moving and keep eating right. On Monday night I cooked a bunch of food and prepped lunches and breakfasts for the remainder of the work week. And I pre-tracked them on the Weight Watchers site.

IMG_9286

On Tuesday I took them all to work and put them in the fridge/my desk. I also filled my fruit bowl on my desk with apples. No excuse not to eat well when you’re fully prepared.

I’m not sure exactly how many times I made it to the gym (and I’m too lazy to look at their website) but my workouts this week were a combination of treadmill walks, couch to 5K, elliptical, break time walks at work, dog walking, and lawn mowing.

At the gym last night I started to do couch to 5K and made it through the warm up and first run interval before quitting. My heart just really isn’t into running right now. I don’t know if it’s because it’s harder being heavier or if I just don’t love it like I used to. Either way I’m not pressuring myself to do it. Last night I set the treadmill to hills at 3.2 mph and got a great workout.

Maybe once I get some muscle tone back and lose some weight I’ll feel more like running. Who knows? It’s kind of freeing and kind of sad. I’m glad that I’m allowing myself to be OK with not loving running. I’m sad to be out of love with the one physical activity I ever enjoyed and looked forward to. I never played sports as a kid and never imagined I’d run a mile. The day I ran a first mile straight was pretty awesome for me. I hope to love running again some day. But if not, that’s OK too.

WI Wednesday, Indecisive Rambling & Being a Fat Girl

Let’s just get the weigh in done and move on. From Wednesday to Friday last week, I gained 7.7 pounds and it’s mostly sticking around. My “official” weigh in this morning was 6.6 pounds higher than last week. I’m honestly not sure what’s going on there. Hormones, increased activity, retaining water (obviously)? I certainly did not eat the greatest Saturday and Sunday, but the rest of the week was pretty good. I’m not stressing over the number. It it is what it is and the only thing that will change it is continuing to put one foot in front of the other. To gain 6.6 pounds of actual fat in a week would be pretty much impossible, so I just have to wait out whatever water retention issue I’ve got going on.

I do feel incredibly bloated and physically gross. Again, not sure why. My body never has been my friend when it comes to huge weight swings, often for no reason.¬†Related to that, I think I’ve decided to give up diet soda. Again. When I¬†really quit the last time I started losing weight faster with no other changes in routine or diet. Plus it’s pretty much terrible for you.

While tracking calories is not all that difficult, I do find it kind of annoying. And I find myself making poorer food choices than I could be. I’ve found myself choosing non-fruit or veggie options whereas on Weight Watchers, I’d choose them since they’re zero points. I’m conflicted on what plan to follow. I decided to give WW a try for a week or two. It’s what I know best, which, yes, was one of the reasons I had opted to count calories instead. I’m just really at a loss for how to get my mind back into the right place. Ideally I’d like to attend WW meetings again, but that’s just not in the schedule or budget, especially now that they’ve jacked the prices up even higher.

As of this morning, I’ve gained back half of the 135 pounds I had lost. That makes me incredibly sad. And a little bit angry. But it’s also motivating. I’m¬†so tired of the way I feel. A 5 minute run interval on the treadmill was ridiculously hard this morning. I used to run 4 miles without batting an eye. I was comfortable with my body (for the most part). Now I’m back to feeling physically uncomfortable every waking moment. My clothes don’t fit. I absolutely¬†cannot stand passing a mirror.¬†And my body is not at a place where I can live the life I want to.

I’ve definitely made great strides in just 2 weeks of regular workouts and I will continue to do so. Eventually if I continue to fake it till I make it, I will actually make it, right?

On a semi-related (but not) note, this article has been floating around social media for the last day or two. It’s a really good read all around, but I was particularly struck by this line:

she found that to be fat and a girl is so often to be invisible, to be marginalized

I took to Facebook to share the article. I don’t speak of weight loss or my struggles there very often. But in a rare moment of honesty posted:

So true. I still remember quite clearly remember a moment a few years ago where a stranger held the door for me at a store (a “regular” clothing store), looked me in the eye, and spoke to me. That was not something I remembered experiencing before. Suddenly, the Andrea who was 187 pounds was not invisible to strangers as her 322-pound counterpart had been.

I remember 187 pound Andrea feeling very awkward and uncomfortable with the attention she received. I even blogged about it. It definitely played a part in my weight gain (albeit a small one).

Oh what I wouldn’t give to be that girl again. That girl was fierce even if she didn’t know it. That girl fought for her goals and achieved them. That girl was genuinely happy. That girl smiled a lot.

IMG_0071

I am that girl. And I will find her again.

Sometimes a Bad Day Isn’t So Bad

Sometimes you feel like you had a mega shitty food day but you go back and track it anyway. And it turns out it wasn’t necessarily so bad.

mfpcals

I mean, it’s not great. I wouldn’t recommend eating 3,000 calories a day on a regular basis. But considering I gave zero effs about tracking anything yesterday, I’m going to call it a success.

I’m 94% sure I managed to track everything after the fact. There may be something I forgot. But it doesn’t really matter. I did my best. #wycwyc

Moral of the story: even if it feels like you’ve totally f*#%ed up, it’s probably not so bad. Don’t beat yourself up. Move on.

Edit: I remembered some more stuff. It’s less “pretty” but still not as¬†atrocious¬†as I¬†anticipated. Still calling it a win.

WI Wednesday & Gym Ramblings

Happy Wednesday! Though I’m trying not to focus on the scale too much, I have decided to bring back my Wednesday weigh ins. I’m very happy to report that I am down 2.4 pounds this week. It’s been a long time coming, but I’m feeling good again. Physically and mentally (mostly anyway).

I also bought myself some new shoes, which totally helps. New running shoes make everything better. Brooks released the Ghost 8 at the beginning of June so the Ghost 7 is discounted a lot of places. Our local running store had them for about 40% off retail price. I bought them in both colors they had in my size. ūüôā I wasn’t big on the kaleidoscope pattern online, but it’s actually pretty cool in person.

brooksghost7

Getting back to the gym and other regular workouts has been more beneficial than I could have imagined. I forgot how much I enjoyed early morning workouts. And I’m even learning to embrace evening workouts when morning ones aren’t possible.

As I said in my last post, we joined a gym last week. The website lets you stalk yourself, which is super cool. (How odd that I scanned in at¬†exactly the same time on Thursday and Saturday? I’m weird and notice things like that.)gymlog63015

I’ve been doing a mix of the elliptical and treadmill (C25K/walking), with one little stint on the arc trainer thrown in. We also did some short bike rides outside on Friday and Saturday, and I walked the dog a mile or two on Sunday. Obviously, selfies and photogrids were involved. Because if there’s no photo, it didn’t happen, right? ūüėČ

IMG_9098

The elliptical is a lot harder than it used to be. And I can tell why I’ve been struggling with my running (other than being heavier). My quads are definitely not as strong as they were 2 years ago. But I noticed last night how much “easier” it was than it was last week. It’s incredibly empowering and motivating to feel your progress.

IMG_9061

My plan for the upcoming week is to keep on the same path: eating moderately, doing purposeful exercise regularly, and #wycwyc’ing my way through the rest of the day. The holiday weekend may prove to be a challenge, but I will #wycwyc, be reasonable, and not beat myself up.

If You Start a Blog and Don’t Tell Anyone, Are You Still a Blogger?

I decided to start blogging again. I had every intention of making that a semi-regular thing, but as always, time seemed to slip away and here we are over¬†a week later. Also, I didn’t tell anyone that I started a new blog. Why? I have no idea. Probably fear of failure (see previous post) and feelings of “who wants to read this shit anyway?”

Last week I was super hopeful that things had finally “clicked” and I was ready to be in weight loss beast mode again. But I’m not sure that’s the case.

Yes, we (re)joined a gym mid-week (Planet Fitness – can’t be $10/month) and even went there a few times.

pfselfie

Yes, we logged a few miles on our bikes this weekend. (I love my Giant Liv Alight 3, BTW.)

IMG_8480

And yes, I’ve been rocking my Polar M400 fitness goal all week. (You know that 99% haunts me and if I realized I was that close I’d have taken the dog out one last time or something.)

polarflow_0621-0627

But my eating has been meh. It hasn’t been perfect, but it hasn’t be (too) atrocious either. I guess it’s a start, right? I switched from Weight Watchers online to MyFitnessPal mostly just in hopes that trying something (not really) new would help. MFP is how I got back into the swing of things 3 years ago, so why not give it another go?

I do think in the long run it will be more beneficial. I generally struggle with weight loss in the summer, which is funny considering all of the healthy fruits and veggies that are readily available in the summer. But, for instance, the “zero point” watermelon I¬†inhale like crazy is really like 500+ calories. And I have no self control with it. Oddly enough, my worst night of eating this week was triggered by a giant bowl of watermelon. It gets me into an eat-all-the-food mindset that’s never a good place to be when you have a decidedly unhealthy relationship with food.

So, I will track my calories and I will work out and #wycwyc my way through each day. And eventually it will all come together, right? (Please say yes.)

Failure and Redemption

It’s embarrassing to fail in public. And that’s part of why I stopped blogging almost 2 years ago. Not that I was so famous that tons of people were reading my words. But I felt a connection to the blogging world and my Twitter followers and as I started to gain weight I felt the need to hide. (Of course the relationship goes the other way too. As I blogged less I had less accountability and more “freedom” to fail since no one was watching.)

How did the weight loss superstar who lost 135# and talked about finally having everything click start to unravel? The answer is simple: life. Life happened. I fell in love. It happened to be a long distance relationship that involved months of travel and job searching and ended with a move to a new state. One and a half years later I am still trying to find my groove some days. Going from being a single person who learned she had value and dedicated to herself to personal growth to being in a relationship (for the first time in 8-9 years) and thrust into step-parenting two amazing little girls was a crazy turn of events that I didn’t cope well with for a long time. Maybe cope has a negative connotation, but that’s not my intention. It was just such a radical adjustment that one does not make immediately.

I’ve floundered for close to 18 months now. In January/February of this year I made it back to the 100 pounds lost club. Then within a couple of weeks I started half marathon training and was diagnosed with a likely upper tibial stress fracture and was told not to run for 8 weeks. The pity party and lack of activity resulted in a 25 pound gain. Not my finest moment for sure. I was pretty hopeless when it came to ever running again or losing weight. I resigned myself to not completing my first (and what I expected to be my only) half.

The WYCWYC peeps posted this picture on their Facebook page¬†yesterday, which pretty much sums up where I feel I’m at right now.
glassrefillable
For a long time I was 100% glass half full. There wasn’t anything I couldn’t do. Then life and injury and weight gain happened and I was 100% glass empty. In the last few weeks, and especially days, I’ve come to a point where I realize there’s no reason I can’t get back to where I was. And go beyond. The glass is refillable.

I will lose the weight again. I will learn to love running again. I will do another half marathon and not “just” walk the majority of it. Now that my head is back in the game I feel confident to succeed.

Weight Watchers posted a picture on their social media today touting a feature of the app I have never used, or really wanted to: custom reminders. Inspired by that picture, I set myself a reminder that goes off 3 times a day (10 am, 1 pm, and 3 pm).

wwreminder

Those were semi-arbitrary times but they do seem to make sense. Mid-morning is when I sometimes I want to snack, 1:00 is my usual lunch hour, and 3 pm is another I’m-not-really-hungry-but-I-want-food time.

For the past 3 years my phone alarm every morning has told me to “Wake Up & Be Awesome” (courtesy of Dacia). It’s time to start living that again.

Weight loss is about 64% mental (it’s science) and I’m feeling like I’m in a good place to do it again.

I know I will struggle. Yesterday¬†was one of those days. We had a work potluck. I ate far too much. I felt far too full. But it’s one day. I tracked. I moved on. I took the dog for a walk. #wycwyc