WI Wednesday, Indecisive Rambling & Being a Fat Girl

Let’s just get the weigh in done and move on. From Wednesday to Friday last week, I gained 7.7 pounds and it’s mostly sticking around. My “official” weigh in this morning was 6.6 pounds higher than last week. I’m honestly not sure what’s going on there. Hormones, increased activity, retaining water (obviously)? I certainly did not eat the greatest Saturday and Sunday, but the rest of the week was pretty good. I’m not stressing over the number. It it is what it is and the only thing that will change it is continuing to put one foot in front of the other. To gain 6.6 pounds of actual fat in a week would be pretty much impossible, so I just have to wait out whatever water retention issue I’ve got going on.

I do feel incredibly bloated and physically gross. Again, not sure why. My body never has been my friend when it comes to huge weight swings, often for no reason. Related to that, I think I’ve decided to give up diet soda. Again. When I really quit the last time I started losing weight faster with no other changes in routine or diet. Plus it’s pretty much terrible for you.

While tracking calories is not all that difficult, I do find it kind of annoying. And I find myself making poorer food choices than I could be. I’ve found myself choosing non-fruit or veggie options whereas on Weight Watchers, I’d choose them since they’re zero points. I’m conflicted on what plan to follow. I decided to give WW a try for a week or two. It’s what I know best, which, yes, was one of the reasons I had opted to count calories instead. I’m just really at a loss for how to get my mind back into the right place. Ideally I’d like to attend WW meetings again, but that’s just not in the schedule or budget, especially now that they’ve jacked the prices up even higher.

As of this morning, I’ve gained back half of the 135 pounds I had lost. That makes me incredibly sad. And a little bit angry. But it’s also motivating. I’m so tired of the way I feel. A 5 minute run interval on the treadmill was ridiculously hard this morning. I used to run 4 miles without batting an eye. I was comfortable with my body (for the most part). Now I’m back to feeling physically uncomfortable every waking moment. My clothes don’t fit. I absolutely cannot stand passing a mirror. And my body is not at a place where I can live the life I want to.

I’ve definitely made great strides in just 2 weeks of regular workouts and I will continue to do so. Eventually if I continue to fake it till I make it, I will actually make it, right?

On a semi-related (but not) note, this article has been floating around social media for the last day or two. It’s a really good read all around, but I was particularly struck by this line:

she found that to be fat and a girl is so often to be invisible, to be marginalized

I took to Facebook to share the article. I don’t speak of weight loss or my struggles there very often. But in a rare moment of honesty posted:

So true. I still remember quite clearly remember a moment a few years ago where a stranger held the door for me at a store (a “regular” clothing store), looked me in the eye, and spoke to me. That was not something I remembered experiencing before. Suddenly, the Andrea who was 187 pounds was not invisible to strangers as her 322-pound counterpart had been.

I remember 187 pound Andrea feeling very awkward and uncomfortable with the attention she received. I even blogged about it. It definitely played a part in my weight gain (albeit a small one).

Oh what I wouldn’t give to be that girl again. That girl was fierce even if she didn’t know it. That girl fought for her goals and achieved them. That girl was genuinely happy. That girl smiled a lot.

IMG_0071

I am that girl. And I will find her again.

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