WI Wednesday & Falling out of Love (with Running)

First off, the good news. Despite not having the most stellar of weeks, I am down 4.3 pounds this week. (Recall that I gained 6.6 pounds last week, so this big loss is not surprising or something to be alarmed about.)

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Most of the days were good in terms of getting in those good health guidelines. Look at all those smiles. I made a conscious effort to get in the good health guidelines as often as possible. I also ate a lot of food. But I tracked and believe me, it’s much better than it’s been for most of the past 4-5 months.

Saturday started with my homemade pancakes and real maple syrup and ended with a cookout. I chose not to track the day and I’m OK with that. I’d rather have a nice day with family than freak over tracking every little detail.

My plan for this week is to keep moving and keep eating right. On Monday night I cooked a bunch of food and prepped lunches and breakfasts for the remainder of the work week. And I pre-tracked them on the Weight Watchers site.

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On Tuesday I took them all to work and put them in the fridge/my desk. I also filled my fruit bowl on my desk with apples. No excuse not to eat well when you’re fully prepared.

I’m not sure exactly how many times I made it to the gym (and I’m too lazy to look at their website) but my workouts this week were a combination of treadmill walks, couch to 5K, elliptical, break time walks at work, dog walking, and lawn mowing.

At the gym last night I started to do couch to 5K and made it through the warm up and first run interval before quitting. My heart just really isn’t into running right now. I don’t know if it’s because it’s harder being heavier or if I just don’t love it like I used to. Either way I’m not pressuring myself to do it. Last night I set the treadmill to hills at 3.2 mph and got a great workout.

Maybe once I get some muscle tone back and lose some weight I’ll feel more like running. Who knows? It’s kind of freeing and kind of sad. I’m glad that I’m allowing myself to be OK with not loving running. I’m sad to be out of love with the one physical activity I ever enjoyed and looked forward to. I never played sports as a kid and never imagined I’d run a mile. The day I ran a first mile straight was pretty awesome for me. I hope to love running again some day. But if not, that’s OK too.

WI Wednesday, Indecisive Rambling & Being a Fat Girl

Let’s just get the weigh in done and move on. From Wednesday to Friday last week, I gained 7.7 pounds and it’s mostly sticking around. My “official” weigh in this morning was 6.6 pounds higher than last week. I’m honestly not sure what’s going on there. Hormones, increased activity, retaining water (obviously)? I certainly did not eat the greatest Saturday and Sunday, but the rest of the week was pretty good. I’m not stressing over the number. It it is what it is and the only thing that will change it is continuing to put one foot in front of the other. To gain 6.6 pounds of actual fat in a week would be pretty much impossible, so I just have to wait out whatever water retention issue I’ve got going on.

I do feel incredibly bloated and physically gross. Again, not sure why. My body never has been my friend when it comes to huge weight swings, often for no reason.Ā Related to that, I think I’ve decided to give up diet soda. Again. When IĀ really quit the last time I started losing weight faster with no other changes in routine or diet. Plus it’s pretty much terrible for you.

While tracking calories is not all that difficult, I do find it kind of annoying. And I find myself making poorer food choices than I could be. I’ve found myself choosing non-fruit or veggie options whereas on Weight Watchers, I’d choose them since they’re zero points. I’m conflicted on what plan to follow. I decided to give WW a try for a week or two. It’s what I know best, which, yes, was one of the reasons I had opted to count calories instead. I’m just really at a loss for how to get my mind back into the right place. Ideally I’d like to attend WW meetings again, but that’s just not in the schedule or budget, especially now that they’ve jacked the prices up even higher.

As of this morning, I’ve gained back half of the 135 pounds I had lost. That makes me incredibly sad. And a little bit angry. But it’s also motivating. I’mĀ so tired of the way I feel. A 5 minute run interval on the treadmill was ridiculously hard this morning. I used to run 4 miles without batting an eye. I was comfortable with my body (for the most part). Now I’m back to feeling physically uncomfortable every waking moment. My clothes don’t fit. I absolutelyĀ cannot stand passing a mirror.Ā And my body is not at a place where I can live the life I want to.

I’ve definitely made great strides in just 2 weeks of regular workouts and I will continue to do so. Eventually if I continue to fake it till I make it, I will actually make it, right?

On a semi-related (but not) note, this article has been floating around social media for the last day or two. It’s a really good read all around, but I was particularly struck by this line:

she found that to be fat and a girl is so often to be invisible, to be marginalized

I took to Facebook to share the article. I don’t speak of weight loss or my struggles there very often. But in a rare moment of honesty posted:

So true. I still remember quite clearly remember a moment a few years ago where a stranger held the door for me at a store (a “regular” clothing store), looked me in the eye, and spoke to me. That was not something I remembered experiencing before. Suddenly, the Andrea who was 187 pounds was not invisible to strangers as her 322-pound counterpart had been.

I remember 187 pound Andrea feeling very awkward and uncomfortable with the attention she received. I even blogged about it. It definitely played a part in my weight gain (albeit a small one).

Oh what I wouldn’t give to be that girl again. That girl was fierce even if she didn’t know it. That girl fought for her goals and achieved them. That girl was genuinely happy. That girl smiled a lot.

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I am that girl. And I will find her again.

Sometimes a Bad Day Isn’t So Bad

Sometimes you feel like you had a mega shitty food day but you go back and track it anyway. And it turns out it wasn’t necessarily so bad.

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I mean, it’s not great. I wouldn’t recommend eating 3,000 calories a day on a regular basis. But considering I gave zero effs about tracking anything yesterday, I’m going to call it a success.

I’m 94% sure I managed to track everything after the fact. There may be something I forgot. But it doesn’t really matter. I did my best. #wycwyc

Moral of the story: even if it feels like you’ve totally f*#%ed up, it’s probably not so bad. Don’t beat yourself up. Move on.

Edit: I remembered some more stuff. It’s less “pretty” but still not asĀ atrociousĀ as IĀ anticipated. Still calling it a win.

WI Wednesday & Gym Ramblings

Happy Wednesday! Though I’m trying not to focus on the scale too much, I have decided to bring back my Wednesday weigh ins. I’m very happy to report that I am down 2.4 pounds this week. It’s been a long time coming, but I’m feeling good again. Physically and mentally (mostly anyway).

I also bought myself some new shoes, which totally helps. New running shoes make everything better. Brooks released the Ghost 8 at the beginning of June so the Ghost 7 is discounted a lot of places. Our local running store had them for about 40% off retail price. I bought them in both colors they had in my size. šŸ™‚ I wasn’t big on the kaleidoscope pattern online, but it’s actually pretty cool in person.

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Getting back to the gym and other regular workouts has been more beneficial than I could have imagined. I forgot how much I enjoyed early morning workouts. And I’m even learning to embrace evening workouts when morning ones aren’t possible.

As I said in my last post, we joined a gym last week. The website lets you stalk yourself, which is super cool. (How odd that I scanned in atĀ exactly the same time on Thursday and Saturday? I’m weird and notice things like that.)gymlog63015

I’ve been doing a mix of the elliptical and treadmill (C25K/walking), with one little stint on the arc trainer thrown in. We also did some short bike rides outside on Friday and Saturday, and I walked the dog a mile or two on Sunday. Obviously, selfies and photogrids were involved. Because if there’s no photo, it didn’t happen, right? šŸ˜‰

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The elliptical is a lot harder than it used to be. And I can tell why I’ve been struggling with my running (other than being heavier). My quads are definitely not as strong as they were 2 years ago. But I noticed last night how much “easier” it was than it was last week. It’s incredibly empowering and motivating to feel your progress.

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My plan for the upcoming week is to keep on the same path: eating moderately, doing purposeful exercise regularly, and #wycwyc’ing my way through the rest of the day. The holiday weekend may prove to be a challenge, but I will #wycwyc, be reasonable, and not beat myself up.